"Just Look Up"

I recently took a wonderful road trip with my mom and our dogs. We visited long-lost friends, family, and saw some of the most beautiful places on earth.


The other-worldly stone contortions in Arches National Park (UT), the overwhelming beauty of the canyons of Utah, unbelievably blue crystaline lakes in northern New Mexico and Utah, cozy Rowland Canyon...yeah, lots of Utah. Which is fitting, as I hadn't explored much of the splendor of the motherland...and even more fitting, to experience it with my mother was nothing short of transcendent.

Our travels took us to my uncle's vacation home at Bear Lake (UT)...with access to water that rivals the Caribbean (color not temperature).  Several years ago, Uncle Reed had added onto his nautically themed house: He built a lighthouse atop it. To get to it, one must scale a ladder, however sturdy, which is erected over an open and profoundly steep staircase. The kind of staircase that if you fell from the lighthouse, you'd be lucky to escape with only a TBI: traumatic brain injury (of course, I am height phobic and creative in catastrophizing. Then again, I am experienced in falling). The day we arrived, he showed me how to access it. He effortlessly ascended, as did his eldest daughter.

I felt a little self-conscious as my fear of heights engulfed me. I placed my foot on one of the ladder steps and said, "I promise I'll get up there, just not today."

The next day, as promised, I scaled the ladder. Alone. But Reed's words echoed in my head, "Just look up. On your way up, on your way down. Just. Look up."

My mom caught the moment as I called to her from the top...

You'll notice that in the photo, I have a bit of a head of hair going....

That's thanks to a few WONDERFUL PEOPLE. Some strangers...mostly friends and family...who helped me exceed my fundraising goal of $25,000 on August 20...just days after my last post. I decided to keep going until September 1, 2013 to see how much we'd accrue.

I'm proud to announce that the BaldBallisticBevyn project garnered $29,237 in 6 months!

For those of you who participated THANK YOU! I appreciate all of your support...words cannot convey how much. And those of you who dedicate volunteer time or dollars on a monthly basis are the true heroes here...I'd be bald into 2014 if not for ya'll!

As I grow my hair back, I am noticing how much it was like my lighthouse experience. It was WAAAY more fun on the way up...and so easy to "look up" as I went. But now, I feel like I'm going down...which is way less fun. And it's way less intuitive to "look up" during the descent. I'll tell you though, it helps to look at what we've accomplished as I move from my G.I. Jane crew cut, morph into the Hedgehog look, and now the River Phoenix in Stand By Me...I will "look up" when my vanity vacillates wildly. As it tends to do.

But I'll also remember this:

It's damned important to take in the view from the top and be truly present in that, for the sake of being mindful and honoring the moment. But I also see the importance of drinking in what can be an all-too-fleeting moment "on top"...it makes it easier to access our small and large victories in those paralyzing moments of fear, doubt, and despair. Which can keep us from focusing on the cold, hard marble floor and potential TBI when what we really need to do is ascend.

In View: End of the road

After calculating the monthly donations/volunteer hours for July, and a HUGE volunteer donation by the Petrovich family, I am amazed to say I am a mere $1,075 away from my goal.

I am overwhelmed by people in my life who so generously gave of their $, time, and most importantly their hearts to participate in my project. You know who you are (and so does everyone who follows my blog...your names are listed). Thank you!

I am promising to NOT start growing my hair back until the end of August...so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let's finish this project big. I'd be honored to have more folks participate...so spread the word!

Remember: donate to ANY organization close to your heart...volunteer ANYWHERE that moves you.

Thank you (from me...and from the people/animals/our environment you have so graciously given to) for all of you support!

Mad love. -bkr

Please email me with your donations/hours at DrBevyn (at) Gmail (dot) Com

Donations Page 3 July-August

Please report your donations to DrBevyn (at) Gmail (dot) com

July-August Activity

Total As of 9/1/2013:      $29,237    $4,237 over goal!   

$/Hours                   Donor Name                           Organization

$20                                            Erin C.                                         Wild Oats Diaper Drive

$20                                            Teresa A.                                     Wild Oats Diaper Drive

5 hours ($100)                           Kelly G. E.                                    WHS

4 hours ($80)                              Jason H.                                       Cascade Aids Project: Pivot

$720                                           Rowland Family                           Donating meals and manual labor to local families (Salt Lake City)

$1,080                                        Slyns Family                                     Conquer Cancer (Australia)

21 hours x4 people ($1680)         Richardson Family                                      Relay for Life

38 hours ($760)                            Krystal J.                                    Humboldt RollerDerby & Sequoia Zoo

89 hours ($1,780)                         Petrovich Family                                             Camp Nemanu

$50                                               Me                                                                 ProBono Counseling

$1,720                                          Leslie and Ron M.                               Took in homeless folks & dogs                                                                                               Calculation: used $Rent/SqFt x time of hosteling

$5,120                                             Slyns Family                                                Conquer Cancer AUS.          

7 hrs ($140)                                       Shayna C.                                                 Habitat for Humanity

$350                                             Carole and Wes M.                                       Paws N Claws

$50                                               Carole M.                                                     Roadside Donations

32 hrs ($640)                                   Maidie S.                                                   Wilderness Volunteers

Naked

Last month two wonderful reporters from the Clark College newspaper The Independent interviewed me for my project. They were both under 21 years old, with an enthusiasm for writing about things that matter in the world. Their energy and passion were absolutely stunning...and reminded me of a time in which I, too, was  boldly naked with what mattered to me.

I was honored to be the focus of one of their stories. Read it here: http://clarkcollegeindependent.com/life/clark-counselor-holds-hair-hostage-for-charity/



Photo credit: Brittany Koonz, The Independent

For the interview, I put on makeup (those of you who know me, understand this as a relatively rare thing) and wore my favorite hat. Until that day, I had been wearing hats EVERYWHERE. Grocery store, dinner with friends, driving, walking the dog...I had been bald for 3 months and rarely been without a hat. On the occasions that I did, I felt absolutely naked.

The kind of naked that you felt in that recurring nightmare you probably had in your early 20s. You're late for a math test in high school. You've forgotten where the classroom is and know you're going to be late. Just after the bell, you make it into the room only to realize you've forgotten to notice you don't have pants on, so you try to fold yourself innocuously into those horrible writing desk/chair contraptions. You know: Naked.

In telling my friend Bryson about this one day over sushi, he pointed out to me that I might get more response for my project if I actually went about my business bald. When he said this, I felt a wave of embarrassment that reminded me I created this project to make a statement that catches people's attention...and more importantly that I had been hiding my purpose under (really cute!) hats.

As with most lessons in my life, the teachers kept coming. First Bryson, then a random lady on the street who shouted at me "You go girl!" as I walked Dexter without a hat, then a dude pumping gas across from me who tried to figure out if I was bald under that hat while staring THE WHOLE TIME...to Brittany and Atalie, the overwhelmingly energetic and passionate reporters at Clark College.

So, I decided to be naked. More often.

Being naked requires nothing more than a willingness to tolerate the discomfort of being seen.

Sure, there are times that I don't want to be seen. On those occasions, I check-in with myself to see if I can tolerate the anxiety. Usually, I can. If not, I put on a hat.

(Please email your hours/donation amounts to: DrBevyn (at) Gmail (dot) com

Strange Attachments

For those of you who read the headline and thought I'd be writing about all the weird features of my hair-clippers ..sorry. (But hey, you're right. What the heck are all of these attachments for anyway??!! Our culture is WAAAY too interested in hair management. Alas, that will have to be another blog post.)

It has been nearly a week since I donated my hair to Locks of Love. And I still miss it. Not the hair on my head, mind you. Rather, the hair that had been shaved and then bundled and then tucked away until we raised the first $5k of my $25k project (and HUGE thanks to all of you who made that happen!).

A bag of disembodied hair. I couldn't let go of a bag of disembodied hair...which I had cut off for this very purpose.

I hadn't expected this. I mean...I SHAVED IT OFF. What did I think was going to happen? As it turns out, for me, the shaving it off (and keeping it off for nearly 3 months, and counting) wasn't the trial...it was mailing away a bunch of hair in a Ziplock bag that sat in a drawer of my ancient writing desk for months.

Talk about strange attachments.

Come to think of it, that particular drawer has held several strangely precious things that I didn't know what to do with at the time. Most recently it held the box of my father's ashes (which still await their final resting place) until I decided to have them in plain sight--an attempt to help the process along. Despite their relocation, I still don't know where to put them...and the longer I keep them, the more I find myself wanting to keep them.

Is this the same process as giving up my hair? Is it a slow, ossification of habit? Or, in my holding the long strands hostage...did I somehow invoke whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is?

Maybe. But it's probably more akin to my ill-timed attempts to hang onto what has already been lost.

How many times have you tried to capture a moment in a photo, only to realize that as the shutter closes, the experience you were trying to seal up and savor was gone before you even thought to pull out your camera? 

This happened to me on an excruciatingly regular basis, until I realized that if I had the urge to capture something on camera, I had best surrender to the moment. Be IN the moment. And I've gotten good at that. With the sublime, the adorable, the funny.

No so much, it turns out, with the smoldering sting after the sucker-punch of loss. Sure, back in the day I overstayed my welcome in unhealthy relationships...relationships that were O-V-E-R but I just couldn't seem to jettison myself away. Thankfully, that phase is over. But I continue to grapple with loss through death...expected/unexpected. I still remake conversations or say gorgeously choreographed goodbyes that were never uttered...but only to redo them later that week or that month.

I think my bag-o-hair represented much more loss to me than I had anticipated. As proficient as I am with navel-gazing, I'm still not sure of the totality of what it came to represent--suffice it to say, I miss it not because it covered my head (but I am missing head-cover people!!).

 Henry Ellis: "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

(Please email your hours/donation amounts to: DrBevyn (at) Gmail (dot) com

Donations Page 2 (May-June)

“As we work to create light for others, we naturally light our own way.” 
― Mary Anne Radmacher

Total as of 6/30/2013                           $13,201  ($11,799 left)

$/Hours                                       Donor                                    Organization

June Activity (Please email your hours/donation amounts to: DrBevyn (at) Gmail (dot) com

15 hours/month ($300)     Bryson L.                                      Big Brothers/Sisters & Hard Times Cafe

$25                                   Amanda R.                                   Scripps

$300                                 Carolyn M.                                   Family Village (Seattle)

$30                                   Rebecca R. H.                               Union Gospel Mission Career Program

5 hours ($100)                  Jason H.                                        Cascade Aids Project

9.5 hours ($190)                Laura L.                                       Eugene Schools and Youth Programs

$120                                  Vallejo E.                                     Komen Foundation

5 hours x 5 people ($500)  Alyssa M. and her crew                Ronald McDonald House Meal Prep

$150 groceries                   Alyssa M. and her crew                Ronald McDonald House Mother's Day
        
25 hours ($500)                  Bryson L.                                     Big Brothers Program

$350                                   Carole M.                                    Paws & Claws

3 hours ($60)                      Amanda R.F.                                Hilhi Campus Cleanup Project

25.5 hours ($510)               Jason H.                                       Cascade Aids Project

$100                                  Me                                                Pro Bono Counseling

25 hours ($500)                 Bryson L.                                       Hard Times Supper (Portland)


May Activity
24 hours ($480)                   Kelly G.                                       Wilson High School

$130                                    Carole M.                                   Nutrition shakes & Dog food to homeless  
                                                                                                 
$125                                    Jean D.                                       PNW Hospice Foundation

$25                                      Rebecca R.H.                              Plumpy Nut Drive (WorldVision)

10 hrs ($200)                       Kelly G.                                      Wilson High School

$600                                    Katrina H                                    Conquer Cancer (Australia)

$200                                    Me                                              Pro Bono Counseling

$12/month                           Shayna C.                                    OPB

16hrs/mo ($320)                 Shayna C.                                    Lines for Life

Amount Forwarded from Donations Page 1= $6,658 (March-April Activity)

Biggest contribution yet!

Huge thanks to ALL of you who have donated $2,609 worth of money and volunteer hours to help me grow my locks back!

But an ENORMOUS thanks to Laura L. who contributed 52.5 hours to a Eugene Oregon Youth Program. @ $20/hour, that makes the largest donation yet to my project: $1,050.00
Large or small...I appreciate what you each are doing for the world.
Mad love.

(Please email your hours/donation amounts to: DrBevyn (at) Gmail (dot) com